Ned and
Claire biked home in the dark after the day of garden planting
with Topping, Charlotte, Bartholomew and Aunt Josephine and Uncle Jeffrey. Ned didn't like biking in the dark; he found
it hard to see potholes and objects that might be in the way. He worried about having an accident. Claire, on the other hand, didn't worry about
anything. Being on a bike was like
breathing. She biked everywhere. This was partly because she did not own a
car, but she used that as an excuse. She
really enjoyed biking. It made her feel
good about her body and about her planet.
She also felt that it brought her more in touch with her neighborhood, because
she saw more of it when biking. As Ned
worried more and more about running into things, he fell behind. Then he felt
like he had to catch up. He was torn
between wanting to do something with
Claire, and yet wanting to go at his own pace.
He felt resentments about being led into these situations by Claire's
confidence. In fact, Claire's general
confidence in all things made Ned a bit uncomfortable.
They
arrived home and carried their bikes up the three flights of stairs to the
apartment and parked them in the living room.
Ned collapsed on a worn out couch while Claire headed to the kitchen for
a drink of water. Although they had just
biked five miles, their stomachs were full from the large meal that Aunt
Josephine had made for the gardeners.
Claire came back out to the living room with a glass of water in her
hand. Ned wondered why she didn't offer
to get him a glass of water, too. Claire
collapsed in a stuffed chair that wasn't stuffed enough. “Ow,” she said as a spring poked her
butt.
“Can't we
get a new chair? This one is horrible,”
she commented.
Ned sighed.
“What's up
with you?” asked Claire.
“What do
you mean?” responded Ned.
“You were
quiet all day at the garden and Bartholomew's.
You were crabby about where you were planting things and quiet the whole
way home. And now you aren't answering
my question. So, what's up?”
“Nothing's
up. I just don't feel like talking.”
“You spend
the whole day with your partner and your friends and you don't feel like
talking? That's just weird.”
“My partner? What does that mean?” asked
Ned, never having heard Claire use that term before.
“Uh, we've
been living together for almost five months. At this point, it's not like I'm just a girlfriend.”
Ned wasn't
sure what the difference would be between a girlfriend and a partner. “So, you’re my partner? Like a business partner? Like, you help me pay the rent and buy
groceries and things like that? Cuz,
last I checked, you still don't have a job.
At this point, it's not like this is much of a partnership.”
Claire's
heart winced but her anger did not.
“What? You think of this as a
business partnership? I didn't know
there were conditions on me being here.
Is that what you want?” Ned did
not respond so Claire continued. “No, I
don't have a job. But it’s not like I
haven't taken care of things around here.
It's not like I don't contribute.
I clean the apartment and I cook and fix things. And I have paid for some things.”
“Look, I'm
tired,” said Ned, “let's forget I said anything.”
Claire
moved over to the couch. “I can't forget
something like that. Is that why you've
been quiet all day? You’re mad that I
don't contribute around here?”
“It's not
that you don't contribute, it's just that I needed a roommate to help cover the
rent and here you are costing me more money. I'm dipping into my savings to float us
here. I'm trying to save my money
for other things.”
“Like
what?” demanded Claire.
“Well, I've
always tried to save enough money to cover four months worth of
bills. That way I have a nest egg and if
anything happens, like I lose my job, or I get sick or something, I have a
cushion. It's the prudent thing to do.”
“What? You're saving money in order to save money? Being prudent is more important than
our relationship?” asked Claire as tears came to her eyes.
“It's not
that its more important...,” began Ned.
He stopped. His mind raced back
across time. He revisited all the times
he felt that Claire was being unfair or demanding. He thought about how embarrassed he was when
she was kicked out of the Earth Day Celebration and when she broke down at the
spoken word event. He thought about how
she kept expressing her opinion even when she knew it would be uncomfortable
for him. He often had thought that
Claire relied more on her gross-emotional skills than her fine-emotional
skills. In a word, she was blunt – blunt
as a stub. This even carried over to
their love-making. Every time they made
love, Claire needed it to be at a
certain emotional pitch. She didn't have
a sense of lingering, of spooning for hours or of having fun while being
intimate. She seemed to have no
imagination. It had to always be the
same game, the same roles and then done.
As Claire
waited for Ned to finish his sentence, she thought about all the times that Ned
didn't keep up with her. This wasn't
just with biking. Ned couldn't keep up
in conversation, in understanding the motives behind political situations, in
expressing what he wanted for food – or anything. Ned always seemed to be lagging, which in
Claire's mind meant lacking. He often seemed distant, unsure and, in
general, incapable. This even carried
over to their love-making. Every time
they had sex, Ned never seemed satisfied.
He was always wanting to try something new, something different. He never seemed contented to just make love
to her – to simply enjoy Claire as a partner.
It was as if he needed something more to excite him.
Ned,
finally continued, “...it is important.
It actually is important to have money in the bank. Is it more important than our
relationship? No, I don't think so, but
if I had a choice between having a relationship that is penniless and the same
relationship with money in the bank, I would take the relationship with money—some
security. Plus, we will have to move if
you don't start paying for your half of the bills.”
“I just
couldn't imagine that you were this greedy,” said Claire. “Maybe if you would share what you’re thinking
and feeling once in awhile I might have seen this coming.”
Ned glared
at her. Claire could tell that she had
stepped over a line, and she took a morsel of pleasure in this.
“Why share
myself?” replied Ned. “Every time I do
you don't like it. I say something and
you jump all over it or you start to question me. Why can't you just let people be
themselves? Like Mayor Dick. Why do you get so caught up with whatever the
hell Mayor Dick is doing?”
“Because
he's a...a...fucking idiot!” said Claire.
“He's ruining everything by being so stupid and pigheaded. People like him will ruin the entire planet
if they’re allowed to keep doing what they're doing!”
“Oh, OK, here
we go! Yes, the whole big planet-is-dying
thing And you are the only person who really cares.”
“Oh my
god,” said Claire. “I can't believe what
I'm hearing. You mean you don't see that
the planet is dying? Were you ever going
to tell me this or just keep going to Earth Day Celebrations with me? Maybe I was right at Topping and Charlotte's
New Year's Eve party – maybe you are a Capitalist Nazi. After all, you treasure your money more than
our relationship.”
Like two
dead goldfish caught in the spinning whirlpool of a toilet, these two weren't
going to stop until they were stuck in deep shit.
“I am not a
Capitalist Nazi! I don't like money more than people, I just want to be
thoughtful about my money. I want to have
money so I am not dependent on others.”
“But we are
all dependent on each other. Don't
you get it? Everything we do affects the
environment and other people. You can't
make and spend your money in a vacuum.
To think you do is a lie.”
“Yes, I
guess I'm in denial,” Ned said sarcastically.
“I'm in denial about the state of the planet, about money and about
myself. After only five months you know
me better than myself. Yes, you are the
great all-seeing Claire.”
“Shut the
fuck up!” said Claire, throwing a chair pillow at Ned.
“Oh, now
don't start oppressing the masses with pillows,” taunted Ned.
Claire
moved quickly and swatted at Ned with another pillow. Ned blocked it.
“Shut up,
you moron,” said Claire as she kept swatting at Ned.
“Yes,
sometimes it does seem like I'm a moron in your eyes,” said Ned as he parried a
swat with his own pillow.
Claire
hesitated and then swatted one more time, catching Ned in the face. Ned became enraged and popped off the sofa
and on top of Claire, who toppled over backward into the stuffed chair.
“Get off of
me!” Claire screamed.
“Not until
you apologize,” said Ned pushing down on her.
“For what?” Claire asked indignantly.
“For
hitting me in the face, for thinking I'm a moron and for not letting me be me.”
“What the
fuck?” said Claire. “You are a
moron.”
Ned pushed
down harder.
“Ow,
alright! I'm sorry for hitting you in
the face.”
“And?”
“...and for
calling you a moron.”
“And?”
“C'mon, Ned,” said Claire, “if you
don't feel like you can be yourself, that's not my problem. Assert yourself!”
“Like
this?” Ned said as he pushed down harder.
“No,
you...” Claire caught herself, “...not like that. TALK TO ME!
Let me know what you're thinking. Don't be so quiet all the time!”
They stared
into each other's eyes.
“Ned. Get
off of me,” said Claire.
Ned got off
of Claire and sat back down on the sofa, holding a pillow to his chest. Claire stayed in the chair breathing
heavily. They said nothing for a long
time. Claire wiped tears from her eyes. Ned gritted his teeth. Eventually, the tide of anger receded and
they both apologized for the least harmful of their actions.
Ned said,
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push down
on you like that.”
Claire
said, “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit you in the face with the pillow.”
But, of
course, both of them did want to do those things, because they did them. They did want to hurt each other. For the next two weeks, they both held back
from saying and doing unkind things to each other. Ned tried to talk more about his feelings and
share what he was thinking. Claire tried
to think more positively about Ned and go at his pace. Eventually, the facade began to crack. Unkind gestures and thoughts leaked back in here
and there. A month after the incident
they both were back to blaming each other for the problems in their
relationship. Soon enough, all trust was
gone.
If they had a guardian angel in their lives
helping them with their relationship they might have realized that neither of
them was to blame, that neither of them could change enough to please the other
and that they couldn't change each other enough to become one. If, on that New Year's Eve that seemed so
long ago, an angel had been at the party they might have realized that they
were not meant for each other. If there had
been such a guardian angel, they would not have spent all this time in pain and
anguish trying to make something work that was never meant to be. But there was no angel at the party and they
didn't learn these things, like most people, before going through them. Claire
let a spooky old crow scare her into the relationship and Ned, like a whipped
dog, was led by his desperate hope and propped up expectations... like most people.
____________________________________________________________
What Will Be Will Be is the 29th story in The Book of Bartholomew.
The story is written by Mark Granlund and cover illustration by James O'Brien.
At home, after gardening, Ned and Claire have a fight. Will they make up? Will they feel sorry and change their ways? Should they?
