Dear HTH,
I am wondering if you can help me. I
once lived with a man who, unfortunately, liked to play Fantasy
Football more than hangout with me. Although the relationship ended
more than a year ago, I keep having the nagging feeling I somehow
didn't give enough of myself to keep him. Maybe it would have worked
out if I didn't always put stipulations on him or if I would have
just rolled with the punches. I don't mean literal punches, the
relationship was never abusive. Some days, I wonder if I was
pushing him away. I don't want to get back together with him, but I
do think about him and wonder if it might have been different if I
was.
Unsure And Doubting
Buffalo, MN
Dear Unsure,
Topping: Hmmm... it sounds like you're
unsure about things.
Charlotte: Very observant, Mr. Her
Name Is Unsure.
Topping: No, I really meant it. She
seems... straddled.
Charlotte: Straddled?
Topping: Yeah, straddled. Like one leg
in wanting to be something else for someone else and one leg in
wanting to have it the way she wants it. And not knowing which way
she should go.
Charlotte: Oh, yeah, that's good. I
was going to go another way with this e-mail, but I like where you're
going with it. Say more.
Topping: Well, Unsure, you should
really ask yourself a couple of questions. Or maybe just one
question: Why isn't being what your boyfriend wants and being
what you want the same thing?
Charlotte: Whoa, Topping. Way to be
direct. Maybe even a little “ouch!” Unsure, it is an important
question. Sorry if we're a little abrupt here.
Topping: Oh, was that abrupt? Sorry, it
was just such an obvious question to me. I apologize if it came out
a little... uh, abruptly. What way were you going to go with this?
Charlotte: I noticed that there
actually wasn't a question in her question. Unsure simply made
statements and comments about her situation. I don't know what it is
she is looking for except she wonders if it would have been different
if she had been different.
Topping: Oh, yeah, didn't even notice
there wasn't a question. Good one, Char. What would your answer be?
Charlotte: Of course things would have
been different if you had been different. But would your
relationship have lasted longer if you were different? Better yet,
what if he was different, too? What if you were both different
people at a different time, let's say the 1970's. And what if you
lived in a different country. Maybe he has a unibrow and you are
missing a leg, unless, of course if he already has a unibrow and you
are missing a leg.
Topping: Yeah, and what if he was a
she and she was a motorcycle?
Charlotte: Oh, Topping, don't be
ridiculous.
Topping: Yeah, but I like where you
are going with this. It's much more fun than my direction. Mine was
a little direct and, well, maybe abrupt.
Charlotte: Unsure, you are where you
are because you are you. Might as well face it: if your not happy
with where you are in life, perhaps you're not happy with yourself.
Topping: “Ouch!” What did we do,
roll out of the wrong side of the bed this morning?
Charlotte: Now that I read that again,
it does seem a little harsh. Sorry, Unsure, I just meant that you
can't change who you are. You have to accept where you are and move
forward. You said your boyfriend liked playing Fantasy Football more
than being with you. Even if you were different, would he? You are
where you are right now because that is who you are. If you want
your life to be different you have to be different.
Topping: Yeah, its like direct drive
on a motorcycle.
Charlotte: Wha?
Topping: You turn the throttle and it
immediately turns the rear wheel, there's no going through gears and
shafts, etc. That's life: direct drive. If you want life to be a
certain way, then act. Wishing or regretting doesn't do anything.
Charlotte: Yeah well, Unsure, I think
you get where we are coming from. If we were a little abrupt and
maybe a little harsh, we apologize. But...
we hope this helps.
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